Dear John

Because you never asked for it, and well because its been a very slow news day, here is my review for Dear John. Channing "The Turd" Tatum has been making a name for himself as a dancer, military man, romantic, and general douche. It should come as no surprise he's attempted to bring all this talent together for one movie, well except for dancing, I guess we'll have to wait for Step Up 3D for that, Yay!

The film, if you can call it that, also stars Amanda Seyfried. Seyfried plays Savannah, a rich Southern girl who doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and is spending her spring break rebuilding houses for the poor by day, and hanging glumly around outdoor barbecues by night. Tatum's John is an Army guy on two-week leave in his seaside hometown, meeting Savannah through a random act of gallantry and soon escorting her everywhere around town, with plenty of random ex-boyfriends and family friends looking on in jealousy.

Savannah and John meet within the opening credits, but it takes forever for John and Savannah's romance to actually get going-- they're just too pure to rush things, I guess-- and before long the two weeks are over and the pair are communicating via letters (though the actual "Dear John" letter is still a long way off). This is all set in the spring and summer of 2001, so you know before too long someone will be staring in shock at a TV screen showing flaming towers, and John's remaining 12 months of duty are probably going to wind up being a lot more.

The longing that Savannah and John feel for each other might help move the story along, but Savannah is the kind of girl who swears she has flaws but never shows any (she wants to open a horse riding camp for autistic kids, because that doesn't sound ridiculous at all, and John is a reformed brawler who is now devoted to his emotionally distant and fragile dad, who is also a bit of a douche (only in the movie though, good actor otherwise). Savannah and John have about as much personality as characters in a pro-abstinence pamphlet. As the script lurches from one event to another, with no cause-and-effect at work whatsoever, at this point your supposed to be emotionally invested in the two main characters,  Unfortunately Tatum is a turd and Seyfried fails to deliver.

While watching this it honestly felt like time stopped, the movie moved along that slow. If your looking for the same magical warm feeling 'the notebook' gave you, you won't find it here.

I give Dear John 1/5, and that's being generous.

Coming to DVD and Blu ray May 25th, But you should save your money.

Clash Of The Titans (2010)

Running a little behind with this review, but it works for the people who haven't seen it yet, or anyone looking to see what I thought of the remake.

Let me start by saying that I was a fan of the original, and I'm generally a fan of most Greek/Roman or ancient mythology films. The original came out in 1981 and in my opinion is a classic in its genre, even though some of the effects compared to today's standards don't stand up quite as well, the effects in the original were done mostly with motion capture and practically, where as in the re-make it is very CG heavy.

The story pretty much follows that of the original. Perseus (Sam Worthington), the mortal son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), sets out on a mission to save the city of Argos from destruction at the hands of the gods. Why is the king of the gods and the rest of Mt. Olympus so pissed? Well, Man is tired as hell at the gods and they aren’t going to take it anymore!

Consequently, Man’s "thanks be to the gods" are not coming in at the rate they once were. You see, it's Man’s prayers that keep these deities immortal; and mankind ain’t meeting their quota!

Accompanied by a small group of soldiers led by Draco (Mads Mikkelsen) as well as his spiritual guide Io (Gemma Arterton), Perseus must deal with giant scorpions, witches, Medusa, and ultimately the most powerful and terrifying monster of them all, the Kraken.

Oh yeah, and he’s got to take on Hades (Ralph Fiennes), too. Perseus has a personal score to settle with the god of the underworld, who himself wants a little revenge against his brother Zeus.

I think for what Louis Leterrier was trying to do with the re-make, he did technically succeed, in that the movie is a big budget action adventure popcorn flick. What it isn't however is a classic, like some of the more recent tv spots will have you believe, I call bullshit on them.

Nothing really like any of the other more recent mythical films such as Troy or 300, this is not nearly as bloody or violent. In some ways it's ok, but the story moves along so quickly and should be this epic journey of awesomeness, but they have to "PG" it up for the younger audiences. Kind of a shame, a movie like clash could have had the potential to be a classic like "Gladiator", had there been less restraints on what could be done, meh, maybe in 20 years when they remake it again, we'll get the R rated version.

One thing I will say is if you haven't yet see it, catch it in 2D and skip the 3D garbage they slapped together, You'll get nothing but annoyed with the gimmicky carboard cut outs and probably end up with a headache as well.

I give Clash Of The Titans 3/5.

Kick-Ass

After seeing this last night I've come to the conclusion, the filmmakers behind Hollywood's latest superhero flick have declared war on family values.

"Kick-Ass" is bad news for lovers of all that is gentle and wholesome. But it's great news for fans itching to laugh dementedly as a little girl in a neon purple wig cusses like Tony Soprano and fires kill shots to the heads of many bad guys.

Director Matthew Vaughn has made an action comedy so bloody funny - double emphasis on bloody - fans might need to see it again just to catch the gags they missed from laughing so hard the first time.

The film is seriously, nastily violent, both satirizing the excesses of superhero flicks and showing genuine, hurtful consequences of the cartoon action Hollywood serves up.

As an 11-year-old masked vigilante, supporting player Chloe Grace Moretz simply owns this movie, deliriously complemented by Nicolas Cage as her doting but dotty dad.

That's not to take anything away from Aaron Johnson, solid but rather bland by comparison in the title role as a teen who takes on a superhero alter-ego and bumbles out to fight crime - without a trace of the special powers that usually go with the job.

It's just that in Cage and Moretz' Batman-and-Robin-style duo, Vaughn and comic-book writer Mark Millar have created one of the sharpest - and certainly most lethal - father-daughter combinations ever to hit the screen.

With a screenplay by Vaughn ("Layer Cake," "Stardust") and Jane Goldman, "Kick-Ass" is based on Millar and artist John S. Romita Jr.'s comic book, a series so fresh its eight installments were still being published as the film was shot.

Johnson (who stars as the young John Lennon in the upcoming "Nowhere Boy") plays Dave Lizewski, an average New York City comic-book geek who wonders why real people don't sally forth to become superheroes.

Buying a sleek wetsuit online for his costume, Dave rebrands himself as Kick-Ass, who quickly suffers for his hapless presumption in taking on brutal street thugs.

Yet Dave's pluck and resilience - plus a YouTube video of his exploits recorded by a bystander - turn him into a folk hero, making him a target for crime boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong).

Dave also comes to the attention of Damon Macready (Cage) and daughter Mindy (Moretz), true, hardcore caped crusaders who go by the names Big Daddy and Hit Girl and possess the skills and weaponry to really take a bite out of crime.

The three heroes wind up in an epic battle against D'Amico and his heavies - including his son, a supervillain wannabe hilariously played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

The movie bogs down here and there in side stories involving Dave's geek pals (Clark Duke and Evan Peters) and the high school hottie (Lyndsy Fonseca) Dave dreams about.

Mostly, though, "Kick-Ass" hurtles along breathlessly, from a brilliant opening gag to a climax whose action is hysterical but also disturbing, when Vaughn lifts the veil on the Hollywood silliness to show real, vulnerable people being hurt.

The filmmakers lined up independent financing to make "Kick-Ass," saying Hollywood studios were interested only if the action were toned down to the PG-13 range and Hit Girl were dropped from the picture.

If that had happened, the movie would have been a mild butt bump rather than the fierce kick in the behind it is. And it would have denied audiences the chance to see a wonderful young talent playing her heart out with no restraint.

With Hit Girl, Moretz is this year's It Girl, alternately sweet, savage and scary. Tearing about like the Looney Tunes' Tasmanian Devil, Moretz makes you believe she really could beat the stuffing out of grown men two or three times her size.

It'll never happen, but she deserves a supporting-actress nomination come Academy Awards time.

Following last year's deranged "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans," Cage creates another delightful madman, both as staccato-voiced Big Daddy and the vengeful Macready - who, twisted as he is, proves as loving a father as Ward Cleaver.

Prequel, please. Let's find out more about how Damon and Mindy became Big Daddy and Hit Girl in the first place.

I give it 4/5

Kick-Ass hits theaters this Friday