Top 10 Best Hypothetical Action Hero Death Matches
Tue, June 28, 2011 In this week’s Top 10 I bring to you the top ten best hypothetical action hero death matches. Now we’re not talking current day physique specifically or exclusively, but more so prime versus prime, so when I say Sean Connery I mean Fucking James Bond Sean Connery. When I say Schwarzenegger I clearly don’t mean with his huge gut during his Mexican nanny fucking days, I’m referring to his Terminator 2 days.
If you feel you need to know who the manliest man of them all is, then read on. I warn you though, there’s so much testosterone in this article it may cause you to grow another dick or a new set of balls, so consider yourself warned!
Top 10 Best Hypothetical Action Hero Death Matches
10. Sean Connery VS Daniel Craig
From the early 60’s through 70’s Sean Connery was THE James Bond everyone knew, even years later he remains the one bad motherfucker that most people easily regard as their Bond. In a close second to Connery is our current day Bond, Daniel Craig. Not since Connery has anyone been able to embody the suave smooth talking British agent with such a bad ass presence, until Craig came along. It only makes sense that the two greatest Bonds should face off.
The only real question being who would walk away the victor, my money would be on Connery without hesitation. Although Craig is ridiculously ripped as shit, Connery always carried himself in a way that you knew he wasn’t to be fucked with. The sheer level of confidence alone being given off by Connery would be no match for Craig.
9. Michael Jai White VS Wesley snipes
Two washed up martial arts juice heads always sounds like a fantastic fight no matter which way you swing it. Although Snipes saw more success early on in his career he’s since been sentenced to prison for tax evasion and seen almost all his recent films head straight to video. White’s been working more as of recently, but he’s never really reached a sought after star status either. Given that both of them have nothing better to be doing and Snipes would likely eat dog shit for money right now, why not pit them against one another.
The obvious winner hear for me seems like Snipes, but that’s only because he’s so damn broke and hungry now. White may have a bit of size on Snipes, but I don’t see him being as quick or desperate. In the end I think desperation along with a little bit of martial art skill and speed would award Snipes the win.
8. Jean Claude Van Damme VS Steven Seagal
It almost seems all too obvious a choice to side with Van Damme right away, but just for shits and giggles we’ll weigh the opposing sides against one another. On the one hand Seagal has some serious height as well as weight on Van Damme, but being an overwheight slob wouldn't help when your opponent's jacked the fucked up. The other big dilemma for at least Seagal anyway, is the fact that his tough guy bravado's been brought into question so many damn times that I’m not sure you need to be special to kick his ass. Over the years Seagal made numerous claims of his real life heroics, which no one really questioned, I actually don’t think anybody gave a shit though to be honest. But in the early 2000’s when it came to light that Seagal was snitching on Italian Mobsters to the FBI because they had threatened him, his tough guy act was clearly over. Although he attempted to put a spin on what really happened the real storie's since been plastered everywhere, painting Seagal as the little bitch he really was all along.
Van Damme on the other hand isn’t all that much better to be honest. Although he was never caught ratting out gangsters to the feds, it’s always been apparent that he’s only built for the screen. He may know kung fu and karate, but I doubt anybody's too worried about him losing his shit. In the end all we really have is a couple high kicking testosterone filled morons. I think if Seagal got close enough he’d likely just bear hug him. Van Damme would resort to stupidly high pitched noises while jumping and kicking in slow motion. The winner's a tough call, especially when dealing with such losers.
7. Bruce Willis VS Kurt Russell
Ultimately I think this comes down to their most recognizable on screen characters, John McClane and Snake Plissken. Both considerably bad motherfuckers, but on the one hand McClane bleeds too damn easily, regardless of him being Die Hard. Snake Plissken is a ruthless bad ass motherfucker, he wouldn’t let shit stand in his way. Sometimes the easiest choice is the best one, and in this case Kurt Russell is just too damn awesome for Bruce.
6. Russell Crowe VS Mel Gibson
If you work at a hotel and you can’t get Russell’s wife in Australia on the phone, then watch the fuck out, he’ll throw a phone at your head, no joke. Now if you’re Jewish, Homosexual, African American, any religion but catholic or any of the above and you’re not as drunk off your ass as Mel Gibson is when you encounter him, then watch the fuck out!
Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson are both known for their over the top temper tantrums and hissy fits, but in a real world fight mean words and throwing inanimate objects won't get you anywhere. The winner of this battle comes down to sheer craziness, and in that regard Crowe has a lot to learn from Mad Mel. When Gibson played the crazy maniac cop in Lethal Weapon how far off his real personality was the character?
5. Jason Statham VS Rob Pattinson
I know just the thought of this alone sounds extremely ridiculous, but apparently it was very close to actually happening. Every teen girls favorite sparkly vampire was allegedly defending his woman’s honor when Statham attempted to make a move on her. Accord to their “sources” bouncers had to break the two up before a fight broke out.
Statham is one person in Hollywood I’m sure most people wouldn’t actually fuck with in any real life scenario. The guy is an all muscle bad ass motherfucker who knows some very clearly serious shit. Sorry Rob, but you wouldn’t have had a chance.
4. Michael Clarke Duncan VS Ving Rhames
These two guys are both huge as fuck and intimidating as shit, but which one of them could actually throw down for the win? The easy answer is obviously Duncan. But given a first glance at Rhames you wouldn’t for a second know that he’s not in fact the bad mother fucker he so often portrays. Rhames actually decided early on he want to be an actor and he pursued that career, it’s only his size and presence on screen that make him appear ruthless.
Duncan on the other hand is a real bad motherfucker. Although he may be a big teddy bear, he’s not a teddy bear to be fucked with. On more than one occasion the giant as fuck man himself has said he would fight any UFC fighter anytime they were willing to challenge him. He’s a serious dude, and not one that Rhames would stand a chance fucking with, hands down Duncan would destroy him and probably anyone else that got in his way.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger VS Sylvester Stallone
Two of the biggest bad ass action heroes of the 80’s and 90’s are Arnold and Sly. I always thought it would be a close fight between the two, but then facts came into play like the fact that Stallone is short as fuck and kind of a prissy little bitch. Arnie always remained a juggernaut bad motherfucker, at least in my books anyway. I don’t count the recent days when he ran for governator of California or had an illegitimate love child with his Mexican nanny. That doesn’t really affect my opinion of the Terminator at all, he's still awesome.
Without a doubt hands down Arnold would make Sylvester look like a choir boy next to him, much like he did to Satan in End of Days. Sure Sly looks great while flying around in choreographed fight scenes flashing his fake HGH muscles for the screen, but Arnie’s brute force, ridiculous accent, and his ginormous frame win me over every time.
2. Jet li VS Bruce lee
Some of the absolute coolest martial arts stunts we’ve seen were due to these two maniacs. Jet Li made a name for himself floating through midair whipping asses and taking names. While Bruce Lee redefined the way Martial Arts is practiced all together.
Jet Li may look very cool and bad ass on screen, but I seriously doubt he’d ever engage in a real fight with someone, especially not for no reason at all. Bruce on the other hand, was a bit of an asshole. If someone approached him on the street and challenged him to a fight he would straight up beat their ass. He really had no qualms about putting people in their place. I think it goes without saying that if Jet Li were around and had the balls to challenge him, Lee would make him his bitch.
1. Chuck Norris’ Beard VS Tom Selick’s Moustache
Two of the most iconic pieces of men’s facial hair to grace the screen must square off and who will come out on top? Easy, Chuck Norris’ beard of course, they say he’s so tough that behind his beard there’s no chin, just another fist. Any man with another fist hiding behind their beard waiting to punch you in the face clearly wins a battle of the facial hair no problem.
Reader Comments (3)
Hilarious. I hope you do a sequel to this.
"Bruce on the other hand, was a bit of an asshole. If someone approached him on the street and challenged him to a fight he would straight up beat their ass."
I'm not sure that answering a challenge qualifies one as an asshole, but I enjoyed the read.
I think Bruce was probably an asshole more so because he was very arrogant, regardless he was still damn awesome.