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    « Zack Snyder In The Running for JUSTICE LEAGUE, Because That'll Totally Happen | Main | Hope You Aren't Tired of Lee Pace, Because He's the Badguy in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY »
    Wednesday
    Apr242013

    Michael Keaton Was The Best Batman, Fuck You.

    The Dark Knight Trilogy is hailed by many fanboy’s as the greatest interpretation of batman on film to date. Everything director Christopher Nolan did from the story to the casting and music selection is put on such a pedestal that at the mere mention of a glaring plot hole or misstep in direction the world around these fanboys crumbles.

    My first introduction to Batman was reruns of the Adam West tv series from the 60’s. I loved that show as a kid, it never once dawned on me that it was originally intended to be a comedy. The first Batman movie, let alone movie in general that I saw in a theatre was Batman (1989). Tim Burton’s Batman is what I shaped my entire idea of the character around. Michael Keaton who had to that point primarily done comedies was cast as Batman and history was made.

    If you were to ask any random assortment of current Batman fans today who their favorite Batman was, they’d either be too young to remember anything prior to Christian Bale, so he’d win by default, or they would have their head so far up Nolan’s ass drinking his fucking Kool-Aid they’d take offense at the thought of anyone other than Bale being Crowned the definitive Dark Knight. Well fuck those fucking fuckers right in their new age hipster asses! It may be 90% nostalgia and 10% stubborn Asshole that makes up my opinion of Keaton being the greatest batman to ever grace the big screen, but fuck it. I originally planned a top ten list of reasons that make Keaton the better batman, but I thought fuck that too, I’ll just rant like a forum dwelling troll asshole and tell you how you’re wrong and I’m right.

    Keaton’s Bruce Wanye/Batman was a pimp. He barely knew Vicky Vale and he nailed that shit. Val Kilmer sported a shit eating grin after a make out session with Chase Meridian, but he couldn’t close the fucking deal. George Clooney had a smoking hot model girlfriend, but that seemed more like a diversion for the public from his obvious homosexuality. Then there’s Bale who was friends with Rachel Dawes his entire life and still never hit that shit. Right up until the one night stand with Talia you’d almost assume he was a fucking virgin. Those models he brought to the restaurant in Begins don’t count either, he only brought them to help fake his way through being billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, lame.

    The bad motherfucker status that Keaton maintained didn’t carry through to the other Batmans. Keaton had a reputation for killing off his villains. He dropped jokers ass off a fucking building and he didn’t do shit to help Catwoman or Penguin out, so he can take credit for their demise as well. Val Kilmer threw some quarters at Two Face and he fell, that’s exactly as stupid as it sounds. Clooney played Ice Hockey with Mr. Freeze’s henchman and a diamond, but he couldn’t pull the plug on the governator. Bale had some bad ass to him, sure. Like when he hung Flask upside down and said “Swear to Me!!!” that was pretty fucking great. But the fact that he didn’t drop the joker after he killed his woman or he didn’t fight fire with fire when Bane fucked his shit up made him a vagina.

    The Batmobile. As much as it had nothing to do with the people portraying Batman it still gets points in my books. I still think the first Batmobile from 89 had the coolest gadgets and more importantly look. The shield function alone is enough for it to top every other Batmobile. The florescent blue light engine in Kilmer’s Batmobile wasn’t very stealthy or dark and served no real purpose. It was still sort of cool looking as a kid, but in hind sight it blew goats. Not nearly as many goat balls and cocks were gargled over the atrocious Batmobile from Batman and Robin though. My god that was an awful car, they replaced the blue lights for red, made it one seat and took the top off. Because you know Batman likes to roll with his tunes pumping and his top down. I didn’t hate The Tumbler from Batman Begins and The Dark knight, but it wasn’t even called the fucking Batmobile! It did cool shit; it looked like and even sounded like a fucking Batmobile, but it was called The Tumbler. Fuck you Nolan, I rest my case.

    The best Batman suit was and still is the original from 89’. The chest piece resembles Roman body armour and everything about it seemed functional, at least for an 80s movie anyway. There’s no real point in discussing the abomination that was Bat Nipples through the Schumacher era, cunt scab. The suit from begins was cool and it had a good explanation, but the cowl was fucking huge! The suit in The Dark Knight and in the turd formerly known as Rises was a huge improvement. But it was almost so high tech it looked more like Robocop with a cape than it did Batman.

    The voice of Batman was fucking perfected by Keaton. The man just “got it”. He’s a creature of the night lurking in the shadows etc. He spoke with a menacing and confident low tone while masking his real voice, obviously. Val Kilmer it seems was too afraid to step out of Keaton’s shadow and try something new so he did his best to imitate him, shame on you Kilmer. Clooney’s batman voice was more comical than Adam West who was playing the role in a comedic show. He made zero attempts to mask his identity or sound remotely intimidating. Instead he chose to bob his fucking head around like a bobble head and talk like a snarky cunt that hadn’t quite made it in Hollywood yet, but was doing quite well on a little show called E.R., fucking asshole. Bale was intimidating yes, but that’s only because it sounded like he was doing his best to imitate Satan. Jesus H fuck man tone it back 10 notches.

    Being a believable Bruce Wayne is just as important as Batman. Keaton was able to play a mysterious billionaire with a lot of baggage like no one else. Val Kilmer’s Bruce was a little bitch that needed therapy because he was sad. Clooney was way too full of himself to give a rats ass about anything else around him, and he played the same character in and out of the cowl. Bale was good at being a snooty cunt bag Bruce, but he was being so fake it would’ve been a lot more obvious he’s hiding something. Most importantly Keaton’s Bruce wasn’t afraid to get a little bit nuts when he had to.

    The thing that makes Keaton the absolute best Batman is what makes him standout the most from everyone that’s portrayed the character. He never knowingly agreed to do a less than great Batman movie. It was pure movie magic and Tim Burton’s vision that made Batman 89’ the mega hit that it was. When Burton did Batman Returns he either got too comfortable within his artistic liberties or he was straight up saying fuck you to the studio and he knew it. I have no idea what he was thinking when he included giant mutant penguins, but who gives a shit the movie still holds up pretty good and it’s actually a lot better movie than The Dark Knight Rises. So I think when Keaton agreed to the sequel He definitely thought they were doing something good again. He’s also the guy that said what the fuck is this shit when the studio decided to go a brighter and more light route with Batman Forever. Both he and Burton walked instead of taking what would have been a huge payout. The same can’t be said for Kilmer, Clooney or Bale. Yes Bale too, he knew damn well Rises was garbage. He all but said so in interviews. Bale was quoted as saying he did Rises because he was contractually obligated to do so and they would have sued him out the ass. That didn’t stop Mr. Michael “Best Motherfucking Batman Ever” Keaton from walking away. So fuck you Bale, fuck you.

    Reader Comments (6)

    I agree with just about everything you said. Keaton is my all-time favorite Batman as well. HOWEVER, I think Bale's Bruce was closer to his comic counterpart than Keaton's was, though in Burton's film that was intentional. He was meant to be closer to the Dark Knight Returns Bruce than the pseudo-playboy Bruce. Keaton's Bruce was older, more mature and had no need for such a facade.

    I also think that Begins is the best overall Batman film in terms of setting up the origin and world and telling an actual Batman story. I still say Begins is the best film in the "Dark Knight Trilogy." TDK was a great crime drama that happened to feature Batman and Joker and Rises was... well you said it best in the article.

    Keaton remains the standard for all live-action Batmen to come. (I still mistakenly say Bruce Wayne from time to time when I refer to Michael Keaton, so there you go.) The only person I associate as much or more with the character is Kevin Conroy, but that's a whole different animal.

    And the '89 Batmobile? BEST. BATMOBILE. EVER.

    04-24-2013 | Unregistered CommenterKal-El Fan

    Kevin Conoy is easily next in line as most memorable Batman for me too, although that is another thing entirey you're right.

    I liked Begins a lot and I think TDK is pretty good too, but Rises is the comic book movie equivelant to godfather 3.

    There can be only ONE... Batmobile.

    04-24-2013 | Registered CommenterMitch Anderson

    Ha, funny piece -- I wasn't expecting this to be a comedic article. But I'd go further and say Jack Nicholson was a better Joker than Heath Ledger. Jack's Joker actually cracked wise and told jokes, whereas Heath played his Joker as a crack head renegade mob enforcer -- aside from the disappearing pencil, what intentional jokes did Heath's Joker make, exactly?

    04-24-2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Zodfather

    Nicholson was a way better joker. Only problem being a lot more people woul have an issue with an article like that over one like this.

    04-24-2013 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Batman

    Did Jason Mewes right this?

    04-24-2013 | Unregistered CommenterNero2000

    Jason Mewes only co-wrote the article. I was just there to fill in the blanks and stop Kevin Smith from making it a Fatman on Batman thing.

    04-24-2013 | Registered CommenterMitch Anderson

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