The Christmas List

Well, we're two days away from another Christmas and if you're trying to navigate your way through the countless holiday-themed marathons invading TV this week or, if maybe you had tickets to see Spiderman on Broadway and now have some extra free time on your hands, here's a guide to some of (at least in my humble opinion) the movies and TV specials you shouldn't miss:

The Muppet Christmas Carol

"Light the lamp, not the rat!  Light the lamp, not the rat!"

There are far too many adaptations of Charles Dickens' classic tale of Christmas redemption, and I like quite a few of them, but my favorite definitely comes courtesy of The Muppets.  Expertly told by both Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat, perfectly Muppet-ized for everyone's enjoyment ("It's Fozziwig's Olde Rubber Chicken Factory!") and with a wonderfully grouchy Michael Caine as Ebenezer Scrooge, I dare you to get "It Feels Like Christmas" unstruck from your head after watching this movie.

Gremlins

"They're watching Snow White.  And they love it."

Some people have Bad Santa for their choice of a twisted holiday movie, mine is Gremlins.  It's funny as hell, it was scary enough at the time to be part of the reason PG-13 was created (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, released that same summer, being the other reason), the effects are still halfway decent, and it has what is still most morbid story about a Christmas tragedy ever commited to film.  Besides, who can't love a movie that launches a mean old miser woman through her window in a stair lift on Christmas Eve?

Elf

"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"

I can take or leave Will Ferrell in most of his movies, but he was really never better than he was as a human raised by Santa's elves who heads to NY to find his long-lost father in Elf.  He spends the whole movie running around like one of those musical Christmas cards that you can't shut off, but in a very sweet and funny way.  When I saw it in the theater I had a feeling it was going to become one of those movies that played on TV endlessly every December, and today it is.  And of course, I've got to watch it whenever it's on. 

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

"Elf tastes just like chicken!"

Make no mistake:  this is an awful movie.  It's unbelievably dreadful.  It's so bad, the word "costume" is actually spelled wrong in the opening credits.  In a nutshell:  martians kidnap Santa Claus and two human kids in order to bring some Christmas spirit to their own depressed children.  Who the hell thought this up, I have no idea.  And unless you're some sort of sadist, I don't even recommend watching it at all.  However, if you get your hands on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, with Joel and the 'bots tearing apart the entire film, it's suddenly one of the funniest Christmas movies ever made.

Love, Actually

"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?" 

This 2004 film about the intertwining love lives of nearly every British actor on the planet (and at least half of the adult cast from the Harry Potter films) in the weeks leading up to Christmas has been quickly been moving up the lists of holiday essentials, and with good reason.  Sure, it's a bit of a chick-flick, but it's very funny, especially Bill Nighy as a washed-up rocker whose awful sellout of a Christmas song becomes a surprise hit, and the way the stories all mix together is terrific.  Also, Walking Dead fans can spot Andrew Lincoln as a lovestruck videographer pining for Keira Knightly. 

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be more suprised than I am right now."

I just watched this again the other night, and it's starting to show it's age a little bit, but it's still the quintessential Christmas movie about the family from hell and Clark Griswold's attempt to make it the "hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny ****in' Kaye!"  In addtion to that, it also has the single greatest meltdown in holiday movie history.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

"And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

This is my favorite Christmas special.  I love the Linus and Lucy theme.  I love the choppy animation and that the kid voice actors stumble over their lines in a few scenes.  I love that Charles Schultz insisted despite the network's objections that the show include the actual Christmas story, and props to little Christopher Shea as Linus for nailing that scene.  But most of all I love seeing Charlie Brown fall in love with the rattiest little tree in the Christmas tree lot.  Best Christmas cartoon ever.

It's a Wonderful Life

"You call this a happy family?  Why do we have to have all these kids?"

Forget Christmas, this is one of my favorite movies at any time of the year.  And frankly, if you're not moved by the ending it's entirely possible you were born without a soul.  It's about a guy named George Bailey who nothing goes right for in life, but in a moment of desperation on Christmas Eve is shown by an angel-in-training how things would have turned out if he'd never been born in the first place, and of course, he learns that he really had a wonderful life in more ways than he ever possibly imagined.  Atta boy, Clarence.

So that's my list of Christmas must-sees.  I've never been into the whole A Christmas Story thing, and I love Die Hard, but I rarely watch it at Christmas, which is why they're not on the list, but they're good movies too (especially Die Hard).  And for god's sake, if you haven't seen It's a Wondeful Life, watch that as soon as you can.  You won't regret it. 

Happy Holidays, everyone!