G.I.Joe: Rise of Cobra (mild spoilers)

I started smiling the second the Hasbro logo appeared on screen.

Yes folks, ‘G.I.Joe: Rise of Cobra’ must hold the distinction of being the first motion picture which features a toy company logo in its opening credits.

And it’s entirely appropriate too. The film is a 100 minute toy commercial or the live action equivalent of one of the earlier episodes of the cartoon, which were commercials in disguise. And if this particular episode had one of those public service announcements at the end, the lesson would be that you should never trust a Scotsman and nanomachines can do ANYTHING.

I mean they destroy national monuments, melt heads, turn heads to metal, turn heads into other people, brainwash dames, erase a man’s fear, and if you get bitten by a poisonous snake they can push the venom out. God, nanomachines are awesome. I hope Hasbro starts giving some away with Burger King meals.

But I have to concur with my fellow web pundits, the movie is huge fun. When it focuses on the good guys fighting the bad guys it’s a wonderfully zippy bag of candy containing huge sets, fun characters, the most ridiculous toys you‘ve ever seen (including pistols that can fire tornados), incredibly cool action sequences and every penny of the budget is on the screen.

Director Stephen Sommers is said to have been largely influenced by the James Bond films of the 60’s and it sounded like hot air but by the ghost of Cubby Broccoli, it has that vibe in spades. So much of the fun of this film is just drinking in the absurdly larger than life production design that creates the headquarters for the Joes and Cobra. Destro lives in an underwater arms factory decked in silver metallic surfaces and moody blue lighting (with an express elevator which leads to the Polar ice cap surface) while the Joes train in a huge underground cave called ‘The Pit’. Try to imagine if Blofeld’s volcano lair in ‘You Only Live Twice’ was renovated to add a holographic shooting gallery and a water tank for underwater vehicle training and you’re on the right track.

As a James Bond fan, and given that the current Bond films are far too steeped in reality to provide it, it is glorious to see a film these days where the good guy gets captured and taken to said evil lair only for an army of back-up goodies to arrive to blow up the place and stop some recently launched nuclear weapons. It’s been so long since we’ve seen this that it feels fresh.

The action sequences really show a film like Transformers 2 how it’s done. They set up the geography of a location, THEN they blow it to pieces, interspersed with character moments (we’re not talking Lord of the Rings here but it helps), gradually building up the fun and absurdity and leaving the best bit until the end. The Paris sequence is so enjoyable and thrilling that the finale at Destro’s base can’t really top it but plenty of Bond films have had that same problem. Now I’ve seen the film I’m pro-accelerator suits. I’ll gladly admit to that; they’re awesome.

However, when the film stops to provide anything resembling character depth, background in the form of flashbacks or simple conversation scenes, it falls flat on its face. It’s a shame too because the film was clearly written with the hardcore Joe fans in mind. It tries so hard to give us origins and motivation for Destro, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, Duke and the Baroness, and for Cobra Commander but it’s mostly unnecessary, doesn’t mesh with the film as a whole and only emphasises how truly awful 99% of the dialogue is.

The comparisons to ‘Team America: World Police’ are totally justified. Not only does the Eiffel Tower collapse but Duke and Ripcord have a training montage in the Pit and Duke even rides a motorbike in the rain to show how sad he is (though regrettably not to the tune of ‘Pearl Harbour sucks and I miss you’). But the film pilfers so much from the first X-Men movie as well. The main hero of the piece gets recruited by a team of super individuals after he is attacked by the bad guys. The good guy HQ gets infiltrated and the leader of the team gets badly injured, taking him out of most of the film. The two sides fight each other in a mass population area in the middle of the film and the bad guys actually accomplish their goal. One of the villains is a shape shifting master of disguise who leaves the film on a cliff-hanger note after assuming the mantle of a very important character. It’s almost a remake.

Let’s talk about the characters themselves shall we? Channing Tatum is inoffensively bland as Duke though I really can’t buy him leading G.I.Joe should that happen in a sequel. Marlon Wayans is surprisingly un-annoying as Ripcord. I actually liked the guy. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje’s English accent as Heavy Duty was hard enough for me to understand most of the time so who knows how the rest of you will fare trying to make out what he’s saying. The same goes for Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker. Rachel Nichols is really cute and looks good with a crossbow. Dennis Quaid plays Dennis Quaid but that’s ok. He does the job.

Jonathan Pryce plays the US President and it is sadistically funny watching him say "It’s up to the Joes now". You were in ‘Brazil’ for the love of God. How the mighty have fallen.

Poor Snake Eyes, what have they done to you? He’s a mute character and all he has to do is look cool but that rubber mouth they add to the character completely destroys any chance of it. Byung-hun Lee fares a little better as Storm Shadow. Despite being a ninja who knows nothing of the concept of stealth, he’s pretty good playing an evil shit who you can’t wait to see get his due. The only poor sections of action are when Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow go head to head. Their sword fights are shot in the same annoying close ups and quick cuts used in Transformers 2.

If you’ve seen any of the clips or trailers then you already know how Sienna Miller plays the Baroness; pure leather clad camp. Meanwhile, Christopher Eccleston is 100% ham as Destro, clearly taking notes from how Richard Roxburgh played Dracula in ‘Van Helsing’. Just wait till you see him in Destro’s metal head. It looks so absurd that I cannot imagine watching him ponce around in it for the entire running time of a sequel.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s eyebrows do solid work as Cobra Commander but the rest of his body isn’t too convincing. He spends the majority of the film stomping around telling Destro how awesome nanomachines are, waving one of hands as if he has a cramp in it. I won’t completely spoil how but the film feels the need to connect Duke and Cobra Commander in a personal way. There are three major problems with this. Firstly, given how true the film stays to the origins of the other characters, I’m baffled as to why such a major detour was taken with him. Secondly, the revelation of his identity near the end of the film is suppose to be a big surprise but since we already know Gordon-Levitt is playing the Commander, when he shows up in flashback earlier on, we can see it coming a mile away. Thirdly, by taking off his mask it completely destroys the mystique of the character and this only become more ridiculous at the end of the film when he adopts a new mask completely encasing his head. There’s no point in him hiding his identity; the Joes know who he is.

It’s all moot anyway; there most likely will not be a sequel. The film will flop and will be remembered by the few who saw it as summer entertainment that actually delivered genuine thrills and excitement.

We heard those rumours a month back about how Hasbro wanted to distance themselves and the G.I.Joe brand as far from the film as possible. I really can’t see why. Apart from the fact that their name appears right at the front of the film, I think every little boy who sees it will want to rush out and buy all the toys. I know I would and whether you like it or not, that’s the true measure of success for a G.I.Joe movie.

Now you know...........and knowing is half the battle.

6/10

Comments

[J Harris]

Just saw the movie. I was ready for the over the top action, ready for the cheese factor...ready for pretty much anything. I just wasn't ready for them to mess with the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow storyline that was one of the all time best features of the comic. It would have been a decent movie if they had stayed true to that one thing.

Otherwise, I'd say it will be a satisfactory movie for those whoe were fans of the cartoon, especially the cartoon movie. For me it was just a live action version of those.